Recently, 100 wealthy, “prominent,” “catholics” in San Francisco took out an expensive ad in a local paper to write an open letter to Pope Francis. They protested against their current bishop’s attempt to keep Catholic schools Catholic by ensuring that faculty not contradict Church teaching. These very important “catholics” asked the Pope to remove Archbishop Cordileone and to send them a new bishop who was more in keeping with their values. As a helpful move for them, I have drawn up the following job ad that they can use to find a new archbishop “in keeping with [their values].”
Wanted: The catholic, pseudo-catholic, non-catholic, secular, and free-thought community of San Francisco seeks a dynamic individual who can fill the soon to be vacant office of Archbishop of San Francisco. Expecting the current faithful bishop to be removed any day by Pope Francis, we seek a candidate who can begin employment almost immediately. At San Francisco, the new archbishop will find a community that is welcoming, open-minded, diverse, and tolerant of everyone who agrees with its positions.
Position Duties and Responsibility: The new bishop will be required to lead San Francisco into the twenty-first century. He will best be able to do this by strictly following the advice of the hiring committee of 100 prominent “catholics.” He will consult with them and other progressive elements within and without the Church on all important decisions, deferring to their judgment like a good shepherd ought. He should not be too rigid on Church doctrine, instead being merciful and evincing a willingness to bend with the times, tailoring Catholic teachings to the desires and wishes of those he will be leading from behind. He will not attempt to teach faithful Catholic teaching on any matters of doctrine or morality and especially on matters of sexual morality. He shall never preach Christ as God, crucified and risen for the forgiveness of sins. He should never mention the word “sin.” After all, who is he to judge. Above all, he should never, never try to challenge Catholics spiritually, for as Jesus said: “my teachings are just vague guidelines, give them up when it becomes convenient to do so, and change with the times.” (#thingsjesusneversaid.)
– Candidate should be pretty sure that he was baptized in some Christian denomination as a child or adult.
– evince a willingness to be faithless to the Church’s tradition and Magisterium.
– have read at least one article and skimmed one blog post about religion in Huffington Post or Salon. Or at least looked at the title and posted a comment on it.
– Makes a sincere effort to attend mass on Christmas and Easter at least some of the time as long as nothing better comes up.
– be a member in good standing of at least one pro-abortion lobbying group and one pro-homosexuality lobbying group.
– preferably not be catholic. An episcopalian, woman priest, married to another woman would be strongly preferred.
Please submit the following documents via twitter, facebook, or email to email@example.com:
– cover letter: explaining candidates willingness to defy Church teaching and bend to the whims of modern society.
– statement of dissent: explaining when the candidate first began to dissent from Church teaching and detailing his journey of faithlessness.
– CV: detailing past jobs and experience that show candidate’s faithlessness to Church teaching and highlight his willingness to disobey papal authority.
– Three letters of recommendation from an approved source, including: Huffpo, ACLU, Barack Obama, NARAL, Planned Parenthood, Rainbow Coalition, Jon Stewart or other late night comic.